Unfreakinbelievable

In sickness & in health…

Almost two weeks ago, my husband started to have muscle weakness in his leg. We still don’t know why, but a stroke was ruled out earlier this week, and MS is the leading suspect. The MRI was Tuesday and we still have no answers.

It’s been an emotionally exhausting and frustrating week. I have been desperately trying to keep myself upbeat and positive, knowing this is not the time for me to fall apart. I’ve been trying not to play those “what if” mind games I am oh-so-good at. He’s struggling, as you’d expect. I keep telling myself I can’t break down because he needs me to be strong… he needs me to be positive. But I feel useless, and I feel like my brave face isn’t helping (and it’s not - only answers will help, and then who knows how much?). But worse that it not helping, this facade of positive spin and upbeat attitude is starting to crumble around me.

I can’t figure out what to say. I don’t know what to do. I feel helpless and I hate it. I hate knowing that this will be devastating for him. He’s so strong, so secure… and MS is such an unknown monster. What will life become with MS? No one can know. Only time will tell.

I find myself thinking the way he always has, the way I’ve never been able to really think… things like, well if I don’t know what’s coming, why waste time worrying about it? I could obsess or I could live my life. But it’s easy to say that about stupid little things and a lot harder to think that way when facing MS.

Already, we’ve discussed the possibility of not having … and while I don’t *think* it’s going to come to that, I do suspect Mission will be at a temporary cease fire for a while. I already got a new prescription for the Pill. I haven’t filled it, because he hasn’t been ready to decide what to do in that regard… given he still has no test results. And I feel awful and selfish for even thinking about it… for hoping the Mission will continue. What right do I have to expect this now? I already told him if he feels we shouldn’t have , I’ll live with that choice… and I mean it, but I know it will be crushing to me, too. And I know he knows that, and I’m afraid he’ll make a choice to make me happy, forgoing what’s best for him right now. The reality is, if we were facing this diagnosis 10 years ago, we’d have time to wait, to see how the MS progresses - if it progresses… but we’re 31, and I have fertility issues. We’re running short on time. It sucks, but that’s reality. As they say, it bites.

I’m so scared… not of the disease itself, though obviously I’m worried about what it will bring for him. I’m scared of losing him to it. Not physically, but emotionally. And again, I feel obnoxious and selfish for thinking of myself… but he’s my husband… the love of my life. I don’t want him to go through this alone, and I worry he will. Not because I won’t be there for him, but because it will be hard for him to let me be.

I wish it were me. Maybe that’s stupid. He’d certainly tell me that’s an asinine statement. I still wish it were me. I wish I could take it away and make it mine… not because I want MS or whatever it is that’s wrong, but because I don’t him to have to have it. It’s just so damn unfair. And I don’t even have a god I believe in to be angry with or to try to bargain with or pray to for strength. I just have my own internal voice… and this blog.

I have to try very hard to put the strong, positive facade back in place. I was trying desperately not to cry in the car earlier, and he knew it. He tells me he can smell my tears…

He’s all I want and all I love… and I desperately don’t want to lose him, in any way. I remember life without him, and it was horrible. He’s my husband and my best friend. I need to be there for him, and I need him here with me.

I need patience, strength and an ability to forget about my selfish self. Though he’d be the first to say we’re all selfish, and it can’t be helped, I still need to struggle against that drive… I can’t afford to give in to the tears, anymore than I just did.