Unfreakinbelievable

I hope she’ll work with me…

Okay, this is gonna be one of those doozies of a post. I had a very busy, crazy week.

Last Tuesday I started having a tech issue that’s kept me out of work. I *think* it’s finally resolved, but I’m not sure because a part is required to figure out for sure that it is, and that part will take 7 - 10 business days to get here. Let’s just say I’m really glad I’m already scheduled to be away. Fortunately, my boss worked it out so this time could count as emergency leave. This is a good thing, or I’d be out of personal time (we get 42 hours between now and the end of the year - which sound like a lot until you’re sick for a few days or you have an annoying tech issue you can’t get quickly resolved - then it goes by very quickly).

Anyway, no work means no money, which sucks right now. I don’t make much, but what I make does help. I was going to work with one of those companies that helps consolidate credit card debt, but it made my monthly minimum payment like $150 more than they are now, and that’s not a reasonable amount for us at the moment. The whole point was to try to save, and while I realize it helps somewhat long term, it’s not helpful to us in the short term. So I’m going to investigate some other companies that do this, and see what numbers they come up with… but I think I’m stuck with my current payments.

My father is back in the hospital. I don’t think I wrote about this, but I began speaking to him again. He wouldn’t leave my brother alone about it… kept crying and saying he’s not a bad person and he just wants everyone to forgive him and he doesn’t know why I won’t talk to him. Which is just rubbish; he pulls this crap every single time he’s in the hospital… and he’s been in more than out lately, it seems. It’s not that I don’t care about him… it’s just that it’s all too painful, it’s all too much. Finally, I didn’t want my brother to be in the middle anymore. It’s not his fault our father is a selfish, manipulative ass. Of course, the sad part is, my brother is really quite a lot like him, in all the worst ways… :(

So, I told my father, point blank, that I am just done with my stepmother. If she answers the phone when I call him, I will be polite, but I have no desire whatsoever to speak to her beyond, hello, can you please put my father on? And if she tries to engage me, I’m going to say, I’m really sorry (insert her name here), but I’m sort of in a rush… could I please just speak to him? Maybe that sounds cold, but I’m tired of this woman’s serious personality disorder. Just for example… my uncles went there recently to help them get rid of some rubbish they wanted to throw out - but couldn’t, because my father can barely walk, let alone lift anything, and she’s useless even when isn’t ill. So they said they’d come, bring food and cook for them - my father and the idiot wouldn’t have to do shit. Well, my father had dialysis that morning, and he asked her to please, please clean up the dog crap that’s always all over their house (they used to take their sole remaining dog out, but I guess they’ve given up on that and just let him shit where he wants now - it’s vile). He comes back to find his brothers outside, who tell him they couldn’t get started because there isn’t a clear path through the house. How sad. So he goes in, and she proceeds to freak the hell out on him… wtf? These people are there to HELP you, to do YOU a huge favor. They come with food, on top of that… and you act like a horse’s ass???

Apparently, she’s addicted to the internet, especially to www.chaturbaterooms.com. She’s developed online relationships that have become far more important than the real-life one she has… in fact, she had been planning to leave my father for some online fantasy guy, but then she had a sudden change of heart. My guess? Either he realized she was nuts, or he never had any intention of really being with her to begin with. Some people like these online relationships, and talk about making them real, but are afraid to, or never have any intention of doing so in the first place… it’s some sort of game. But believe me, if she thought she’d found a better deal, she’d have left him high and dry. Bitch.

So, you can see why I’ve had my fill of her. I told him, look… you chose her, but I didn’t, and I don’t have to deal with her. She is the single worst mistake you’ve ever made. And that’s really impressive, considering my first stepmother was a coked out former prostitute. Yeah, he’s a winner, my good ole dad.

Problem is, I am a softhearted person. I’m tired of all the shit, but I can’t be mean to a man who is that pathetic… who cries on the phone and tells me hearing me say “hi Dad” when he answers the phone is like “winning the lottery.” Partly, the little girl in me who used to idolize him wants so badly to believe it… and partly I just can’t take away part of what little he has left (a few minutes of talking to me). I don’t think he’ll be alive much longer… and if there was a way to see him, without having to go to his disgusting house, or without having to deal with her, I would…

but the problem is also how far away he is from where my mother’s family lives. This next week, while we are out there, it’s just logistically impossible. There is only one day my husband has to himself, and we’re going to Rhode Island that day. If I really, really needed to go see my father, my husband would give up that one day. The only day he’ll get to feel like he’s on vacation at all… but I will not ask the man who gives me everything to give up that one day so I can visit the man who has given me next to nothing. I will not ask the man who has picked up all the scattered pieces of my psyche, and held them while I sorted them out and started to put them back together, so that I can visit the man who is largely responsible for breaking me to begin with. I simply won’t. On the list of who matters most, my husband is far ahead of anyone else, and my father is rather far down. It’s sad, but it also simply… is. I’ve made my peace with it, and there’s nothing I can do to change what should’ve been and just wasn’t.

So, to get to the title of this post, finally… I went to the dietician, and she was very nice. I suspect she’ll be easy to work with. Gentle, but willing to push. However, she’s concerned about taking me on. She worries that given my emotional baggage where dieting is concerned, I need therapy. I tried to reassure her that I’ve been through therapy, fairly recently, and that while I’d always be willing to go back if I felt it could help, I just don’t think it can anymore. I told her I have all the pieces… I just need to put them together (a sentiment Christie said she can really relate to!). I think I managed to convince her. She also pointed out that losing weight, especially when one has a lot to lose, often brings up issues for people… and I told her, very frankly, that I’m aware of that being a problem for some, and that if it is for me, and she sees it, but I don’t, I’ll be willing to go back into therapy. So I think she’s going to work with me. She said she wanted to talk to my doctor, and I think my doctor will support my position. I am pretty self-aware, overall… and while I’m something of an emotional roller coaster due to the various meds I’m on in this TTC journey of mine, I’m still pretty in tune with my overall, non-drugged emotional state. I’m ready to work on this again, and my objectives are very, very different. I told her I can’t even think about an “end” or a “goal” and that I’m not even really concerned with one… my goals aren’t about numbers. They are about turning points… being able to fly without a seatbelt extender. Being able to sit in a booth again. Not having to worry about breaking a chair at someone’s house (which has never happened, btw… but it’s still a big worry). These are the goals I have now. Someday, I’d like to lose enough to ride a roller coaster again, but that’s a long journey away… and if I never make it, so be it, as long as I’m healthier and feel better. I’m not in this to wear a string bikini… or even a tankini. But it might be nice to feel like I could go out in public in a bathing suit, even if it had to have shorts or a skirt. Right now, I’m just not comfortable doing that. If I don’t want to look at me in one, why should I subject someone else to that sight? I know some of you will take up arms against that comment… but that’s how I feel, and it’s simply not something that will change. I won’t wear shorts or a tank top, so there’s no way I’m wearing a bathing suit.

She had me make a follow up appointment for the Monday after we get back, and she’s going to create some menus and mail them to me, so they’ll be here waiting when we return. I told her I’d really like to start implementing this with our first grocery shopping after the trip.

I found some of what she said really useful, and it put some of my issues in perspective. I’ve always been very all or nothing, and have had a tendency to over complicate things. For example, I was telling her about how I’ve avoided yogurt because the organic one I ate in NYC isn’t widely available here (Whole Foods might sell it, but that’s really far from us). All the other yogurts I like have a lot of sugar. She said that while she sees my point, she sort of looks at things from a different perspective. If the overall health benefits outweigh the drawback of the sugar, it’s still okay to eat it. Yogurt is very healthy, in many respects… so while it would be nice if they didn’t add so much sugar, it’s not enough to deplete the benefits of eating yogurt. I realized then that I probably eliminate a lot of overall healthy foods based on concepts I have from 8,000 different diets… and in doing so, I make life harder for myself when I’m trying to eat healthy, and that just makes eating healthy harder, and so what happens? I get bored, or frustrated or want those foods… yes, even yogurt, and think I *can’t* or *shouldn’t* have them… and then I wind up eating things far worse than yogurt! Dumb, but there it is… and I just never saw it from that point of view.

Missy sprained her ankle this week and can’t be in her play. I feel so badly for her, she’s worked all summer to be in it, and now she can’t. Poor girl. I’m just hoping she recovers enough to make it to NYC with me one day next week. I really wanna go… I like seeing my old neighborhood, and it reminds me of how glad I am not to be there. Sometimes, when we see it on TV, I get nostalgic… reality is a nice thing, once in a while.

And I’m already crying because I won’t be in CO for over a week, and I hate having to leave. How pathetic is that? Going to what many would consider the most exciting city in the world, and I just wanna stay home in my mountains. I’ve been trying to sell Missy on colleges here in CO. She really wants to go to a 4 year-college, and my mother, I’m ashamed to say, is not pushing her on that at all. In fact, my mother acts like Missy should just go to community college. Look, there’s nothing wrong with going to one… I only got my degree because I did just that after flunking out of college the first time I tried. However, if Missy even thinks she wants to go, she should be encouraged, supported, and pushed… because need pushing sometimes. That’s different than pressuring, mind you… and I’ve told Missy, look, I’d love for you to come out here to go to school. We’ll make our address her permanent address, in a year she’d get in-state tuition and she’ll get away from the negative influences of my mother’s family and still have family close by. She and my husband get along great, and I, as everyone knows, love her like my own daughter much of the time… BUT… I realize that she has to be happy with her decision, it has to feel right to her. I flunked out of college for many reasons, but the absolute number one reason was that I made the choice of schools I did based on what everyone else wanted for me… my guidance counselor had gone there, my aunt said it was a good school, but cheap, my grandmother was happy because there were public transit options… and it was never, not for a moment, my top choice, or even close. But it was the only school I even applied to, and it was a bad fit from Day 1. I don’t want Missy to make that mistake, because that leads to disaster. I also don’t want her to take time off, unless it’s what she wants… because I think it’s far to easy to just never go then. If she doesn’t feel ready, that’s one thing… but the problem is, she’ll be a sophmore, and her grades matter. She did decent her freshman year, solid B… and she was so proud of it, and it lit a fire inside her… I just wanna keep it burning. I sent her to the CUB website, and she loves the look of it. I think she’d love Boulder, too… it’s a quaint college town with a lot of diversity, but not overwhelmingly large, either. There are tons of job options, which is good, since she’ll be paying for school with loans and some financial aid… but after the first year, it will be significantly cheaper, too, which helps. I just want her to have every option open to her… if she gets in and decides not to go, that’s fine, too… but I’d hate for her to graduate and wish she’d had the chance to go to a real college… because community college is fine, and it gets you from Point A to Point B, but it’s just not the same experience at all.

Okay, that’s more than enough for one live sex post. I’ll be away until the 19th, so no new posts from me until then! :) Cya when I get back!

Going to a dietitian…

I asked my doctor today what she recommended for weight loss. I loveWeight Watchers, I swear. It’s just that the online version isn’t getting it done for me. I need more structure and support, and I’m 25 miles from the closest meeting and that one is at a time that conflicts with work anyway. So going to meetings just isn’t really an option for me right now.

So, my doctor recommended I see the nutritionist in their office. Duh! I didn’t even know they had one, or I’d have done that a while ago! It’s convenient, and it’s structured, and she said that Kara is great about working with patients in terms of what has worked for them. She said Kara will utilize points or calories, or whatever works best for her clients/patients. I’m really excited about this.

I need more guidance, more thoughts. I have stomach issues that make eating healthier even harder, and I could use the insight of someone with that background and experience… and just the support and encouragement. So I am meeting with her next week, the day we leave for our trip. I won’t implement anything new while on vacation, obviously, but at least this means I’ll have the foundations in place for when we get back to CO the following weekend.

I feel really positive about this. I couldn’t *technically* follow WW while pregnant anyway, so even if I was willing to drive really far (like 50 minutes) to go to a Saturday meeting, I’d have to stop when pregnant (or lie about it). I like the idea of a dietitian because she can help me tweak whatever plan I follow so that it works while TTC, while pregnant, and ultimately, while breastfeeding, which I hope to be able to do (some women with PCOS can’t produce enough milk). Plus, and this is the best benefit, as far as I am concerned, my insurance will cover it - and we don’t have a co-pay, so no out of pocket expense!!! Woohoo. :)

This is the first step I’ve taken in a long time towards getting back on track… and it feels hopeful and right.

I miss blogging…

I haven’t really done much of it lately. I haven’t written terribly much, and I haven’t been reading many blogs, either. I miss my fellow bloggers and I miss my outlet for venting.

We go away in two weeks, to NYC/NJ/Long Island. I am not sure how I feel about any of it. I’m terribly excited to be seeing my sister, and my mom… I’m going to miss our dogs, and it will sound silly, but I’m going to miss my husband. We won’t be seeing a lot of each other, and working from home has me really spoiled, since we see so much of each other. Most people are amazed that we haven’t killed each other, or that we still like each other… but it actually has just made us closer. I’m also not thrilled with the idea of NJ/NYC/LI in August. We’ve had a really humid weekend, both up here and down in Lakewood, and it made me realize that humidity sucks worse than I remembered. Generally, the climate here is so dry… I forgot how thick the air feels when it’s full of moisture, and how awful it is to always feel sweaty and damp. Blah. But I’m happy to see my sister, so happy. I miss her a lot, and she’ll be 16 soon… so it will be worth dealing with heat… and if it’s really bad, she and I can camp out in the hotel room. It’s a suite, which is really cool, with a full size fridge and kitchenette.

I had been friends with a guy who I work with (in our virtual office, obviously). Then he kept telling me how pretty my picture was, and I had to stop speaking to him. It was flattering, and he’s a nice enough guy… but I’m happily married, and it felt wrong to be hearing that from someone who isn’t my husband. Strangely enough, this little flirtation coincided with a huge dip in my self-esteem. I’m not sure if it would’ve happened anyway, since going back to NYC in the summer has me feeling a little insecure… but maybe the guy flirting with me caused me to feel badly about myself? How odd is that. I don’t get flirted with much… I didn’t before I was married, either, and frankly, the few times I had some guy seriously flirt with me, I was inclined to not take him very seriously - even when it was serious. That fat girl low self-esteem stuff, I guess.

Anyway, I basically told the guy that he was nice, but he wasn’t allowed to tell me I’m pretty anymore. He told one of our co-workers about it… I just have a feeling he has his own self-esteem issues (he’s a big guy) and I think maybe flirting with me felt safe - I was going to reject him no matter what, because he knew damn well how happily married I am.

I need to work more on my weight. I’m not interested in setting a goal, or trying to get into bikini body shape. I just want to feel better about myself, physically and emotionally. I’d hoped to get back on track over the summer… but with everything we’ve had on our plates this summer, it hasn’t happened. I’m not making excuses - there are none. I just didn’t get it done. I’m also not beating myself up over it… but I do want to get focused again, and I’m waiting until we get back from NYC to do that.

I had a job interview last week, for a position I really wanted, that sounded perfect for me… including the fact that it paid more than any hot sex cams job I’ve ever had. An anthropology degree and some childcare experience doesn’t parlay itself into many good paying jobs, and this one was a decent salary, especially since it was up here in the foothills. Sadly, I felt like the interview went poorly and I haven’t heard from the woman since we met early last week… so I’m guessing I didn’t get it.

As for babies, my husband wants to keep trying. There was a chance, given the MS, he might reconsider. He knew my position, but I wanted him to really be sure… once you have a , you can’t un-have one, you know? But MS is a scary thing, because the future is an unknown… however, my reaction to that is, the future is already an unknown. We can’t really know what it will bring, and should we stop living because something bad might happen?

So, I’m going to continue with the Clomid next cycle, but for now we’re taking a bit of a break… this cycle has been a bust, so we’ll see how it plays out.

That’s all I have time for! More soon…

Warning to my fellow Potter fans…

My husband just informed me that the evil New York Times and the vindictive Baltimore Sun both got their grubby, filthy, Muggle hands on copies of the long-awaited seventh and final Harry Potter book… and they published “reviews” - which, from what I’ve been told, could more aptly be called “reveals.” Frankly, I’m wondering if the entire New York Times book review section isn’t staffed by Death Eaters. It’s something to consider, really.

Apparently, these reviews are chock full of spoilers, and on our favorite radio station, one of the DJs said that one of these traitorous papers published the entire epilogue. As I’ve gone underground, living in shadows and darkness - much like Sirius Black, in his final days - I cannot confirm or deny such accusations, but I would not put it past either paper to do something so despicable in a desperate attempt to sell papers - everyone knows print newspapers are a dying medium, after all..

My husband, not a devotee, says he read an article in which the Times tried desperately to redeem themselves - yes, because now the realize they have the wrath of J.K. and at least 1.3 million Amazon pre-orderers (myself included) coming down on them, and they are ever-so-afraid… anyway, they claim they did not give away the ending, according to my husband, and they also claim they gave the book high praise. Yes, well… then it’s okay that you tried to RUIN the story for millions. You liked it, so it’s fine to tell everyone what happens before we have had the chance to read the book.

Anyway… I just thought I’d warn my fellow Potterites. I know at least Sarah is a fan, and has undoubtedly either pre-ordered the book, or plans to go out at midnight to get it. Don’t watch the news. Stay away from The Times and the Sun. Steer clear of the radio. Live in darkness, my friends, for tomorrow is not far away, and you will possess the ability to find out for yourselves just what happens in The Deathly Hollows.

I will have a lot of reading to do tomorrow and Sunday. I will resurface on Monday… assuming I am not in mourning, of course.

Eight Random Things…

Nicole was kind enough to tag me, to help take my mind off things. :) Thanks, Nicole.

1. I have to post these rules before I give you the facts.

2. Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.

3. People who are tagged need to write their own post about their eight things and post these rules.

4. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.

5. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

Here are the random things:

1. I’ve been obsessed with mountains for years. I read just about any article I find on Everest, and would climb it, if only it weren’t such an insane thing to do and I was, ya know, in mountaineering shape.

2. I’ve dreamed of going to Antarctica since I was 10. That was back before cruises went there and it was actually a plausible dream. I hope to someday sell a book I’ve written to fund that little adventure. You know, before it melts away.

3. After only a little over a year of living in Colorado, I barely remember over six years of living in NYC. When I think back, it almost seems like a dream.

4. I desperately wanted to go to Juilliard as a voice major, with the dream of being a Broadway actress eventually. I had that dream for about 3 years, before transferring to my private alternative school that saved my life (and I mean that in every way) but had no developed music program.

5. I’ve seen the movie The Neverending Story at least 700 times, and when I was about 10, I could literally recite every single word of it from memory. I was in love with Atreyu, and I even have a tattoo of something from the movie on my ankle.

6. Speaking of tattoos, I very badly want another. The problem is, I’m not sure of what or where to put it.

7. When I was about 11, I fell out of love with Noah Hathaway (aka Atreyu) and fell in love with Wesley Crusher (aka Wil Wheaton). I wrote Wil a letter every day for like a month. I’m not proud of it now… but I couldn’t resist Wesley’s genius… :D

8. If I had endless money, or at least gobs of it, I’d be a professional student. I love being in school and miss it quite a lot.

Now, I tag these lovely fellow bloggers: Jae, Denise, Mia, Caleen, Jessica, Hopeful, Chris, and finally, Zara, in the hopes it will bring her back. Not that I think I have that much power, but I miss her!

The bad news is, the good news was wrong…

… the bad news is, we still don’t know what it is. My husband is convinced the doctor is trying to rule out ALS (Lou Gehrig’s Disease), based on the tests she is running. I’ve told him that I cannot even begin to entertain that possibility. The thought makes me sob uncontrollably if I let it, so I refuse to think about it. ALS, for those unfamiliar, is a death sentence. A slow, horrible death. My friend from college lost her father that way, so I know more about it than I want to under the circumstances. She told me a lot about it, and how awful it was.

I can’t bear to lose him… not at all, and especially not like that. I’d probably wind up in jail, because I’d never let him die that way - and he wouldn’t want me to.

But he’s too young, and though the symptom matches, but the onset is too sudden… so I’m refusing to acknowledge that it could be that. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. It helps that he’s not overly concerned about that being it, either.

There are other possibilities on the table. None are even remotely as bad as MS or ALS, so that’s the good news. He has to undergo more tests (poor guy) and hopefully we’ll know more very soon because this waiting crap sucks ass.

In the meantime, my period finally started and we’ve decided to go ahead as planned, so I’ll be taking the Clomid. I’m a little nervous about side effects… but I’m hopeful, too. I’d love to be pregnant by August, because we’re going back east then (did I mention that?) for a visit and it will be wonderful to tell our families in person.

So, that’s the update… we can now feel more secure that it’s not MS (though it is hard to ignore how so many unexplained things fit MS) since two neurologists have said so, and we’re moving on with the plan, which could be a good distraction for us. We’ll see.

I’m trying the OV Watch this cycle. Without the Clomid, I wouldn’t bother, since I have such screwy cycles… but with it, I think it could be very helpful. It’s what helped Trista Sutter (former Bachelorette) get knocked up.

Anyway, very tired, so this one has to be short… thanks for all the comments about my husband. Your support is very helpful :) !